spinning liyana

My heads spinning.Im more confused than ever.So confused that i don't even want to think about it.Why do things get so complicated at times.Im liyana.the happy jumpy kid.the happiest girl in the universe.Well,so it seemed.Ignorance is bliss but i dnt know how to ignore things.And its bothering me and i dont like it.im having mixed emotions here.I WANT TO BE OUT OF THE COUNTRY!away from people for a while.bdw do you know what love is?oh yes i do.ive been in love once.whats the feeling like?it was awesome.i couldnt sleep and when i do all i dream is that one person.and makan x kenyang mandi xbasah.It makes me happy that i can even shed a tear.it makes me float and i felt like i have wings to fly.it was so beautiful that even the cheesy love lines doesnt seem pathetic but seemed so true.That was with my first boyfriend and the love didnt last in me bacause he was over protective which shoved me away.too loving that he was obsessed with me.too obsessed that he was always emotional even on little things that got in our way.He was often sick and he needed me 24/7.I really mean 24/7.i felt like his mother more than his girlfriend.he needed my comfort too much that i couldnt give it anymore.I felt like a boyfriend,giving all those care and comfort while i dnt get much.What i got is not being able to talk to other people.He was too afraid that they would fall for me.too afraid too lose me.That is an obsession.I am obsessed with kurt don cobain.people get obsessed with their idols but not their partners.It felt like my world was in his hands.He was too crazy over me that i even thought he needed theraphy.Because he couldnt do it,couldnt live even when im busy for a while.i loved him but thats not how it should be.thinking of him makes me crazy.i couldnt bear that kind of life.n so i broke up.It was other way round with azzari.Totally opposite.the 24/7 text messeges with my first boyfriend came down to 2-3 messeges a week with my new boyfriend.It felt different especially after two and a half years with the first one.after 2 n a half years being so used to every-minute messeges.It was a big change for me.totally a big change.everything else was different too.Although i can count how many times i went out with my first boyfriend(meaning we didnt go out much),i still was so very deep in love with him.I dnt see why it couldnt work with az.but it really couldnt and didnt.Maybe were're not meant for each other?As much as it hurts,i accept it.i gave up and accept it.reconcile?ive thought about it.but i dnt think im going for it.i dnt want to be asked for outings and cant make it.i dnt want to be unavailable to him as a gf.i dont want to dissapoint him.Thats whats hard for me.And so i guess my decision is final.yes.only now.I think its best this way.


CRAP!another personal entry.